I’m okay

I feel a little weird saying that because I’m definitely not okay but I’m better than I’ve been in several weeks. Better maybe subjective.

After two rounds of “salvage chemo” I took my PT scan this week. Positive news: the cancer has retreated over 50% which makes me a candidate for stem cell transplant. Well the first parts positive the second part is inevitable. At least I have a shot for a cure/remission.

I won’t bore you again with all my worries and complaints about the stem cell thing. As it ticks closer I’ll get more and more nuts ;). In the interim I’ve decided to try to live life to the fullest, which by the way is still extremely limiting. Never mind travel etc just doing the simple things of walking to the bathroom or kitchen wipe me out. Imagine running a marathon every time you take ten steps (cue Chariots of Fire theme). Yep I can’t explain it better than that except I’m not running on a beach with 12 other men.

Any which way I thought it was a major accomplishment that I drove myself to the nail salon; of course followed by a suitable drive thru the KFC where they were out of Nashville Hot Fingers - a girl and her chicken fingers - had to make due with plain fingers!! Don’t worry - I could only eat one before passing out at home. I added two chopped ones as protein to my Costco Avocado Ranch salad for dinner. See I ate something green!!! Actually I like a bunch of those preprepared salads that come with dressing and fixing. I used to be able to eat a whole salad. Now maybe a quarter. But for those of you thinking about my diet plan let me tell you this is the worlds worst diet. If you’ve known me long enough and maybe if you haven’t you’ll know that I’ve been on every diet known to mankind: as a teen there was this thing called protein drink diet (pre Slim fast) this was a purple/reddish sticky liquid (these are horrors you never forget) that I brought to school and was supposed to drink at lunch. It was weeks before my mother realized I was throwing it away as soon as I got to school. Not sure how she figured it out but I was just never a fan of the meal replacement strategy - I always had those scripts running in my head “eat three meals a day!”

As an adult I did Pritikin, Atkins, went to a nutritionist all the dr based diets and then Jennie Craig, Weight Watchers etc. I lost a bunch of weight on Jenny Craig but quickly got pregnant so that ended that as well as the inordinate expense of buying a weekly supply of food. Finally, at 270 pounds (I’m not proud of this number but you should face your demons), I got a lapband. Of course being me and thinking the worst before every surgery or medical event I wrote a life ending letter to my daughter the night before surgery and washed it down by what I swore was going to be my last ever Wendys double cheeseburger, fries and frozen milk drink. You knew I was in for trouble right there!!!

I found success with the lap band and lost over a 100 pounds. Success like this though can really mess with your head. Someone obese who now goes to moderately obese; someone who never really was told they were pretty - yikes it’s was a head spinner and I didnt realize it until much later how it effected me. That was the what I like to call the “day of awakening”. You see I was always told that if I lost weight I would be happier. On the “day of awakening” I realized that it’s all bs. That even skinny girls have problems and insecurities. That’s when I promised myself to stop beating myself up about my weight. Sure it helped that more designers were creating clothes in plus sizes but this was still pre the Lizzo revolution or the new world order of “love yourself no matter what”. Today’s generation is so much more empowered. They have issues and insecurities but they are less about body issues.

So back to today, I still can’t eat a full meal and I doubt I won’t be able to for a while (fingers crossed lol). The worst part is the nausea, gagging and vomiting which will probably go on through stem cell treatment. I’m down almost 30lbs (I don’t see any difference in my clothes but I think it’s because those sweatpants I wear have great elasticity).

I have an appointment with the stem cell team this week to map out my future. Timing is everything....so I don’t have any more treatment news to share. Will let you know what the next adventure brings.