I’m no hero...

Actually I’m a big chicken. While everyone thinks I’m strong going through this the actual truth is that I have no choice. Having no choice doesn’t give you strength it just limits your possibilities.

I guess things are good since i havent had much to complain or write about. I mean no ones probably interested if it’s going well. Truth is I’m not very motivated to do anything and my energy level is all time low. I finished round two fortunately without much fanfare as they cut the levels by 25%. I feel better - at times - but not always. Naseau looms and I’ve started wearing sea sickness bands in the hope they’ll help. I still really can’t do much for myself (I almost feel guilty about that but not quite) and my husband and daughter seem happy to help - though I don’t know why. I question why they’re so good to me or actually why anyone is so good to me?? Fabulous friends who text or send things. (am I as good a person as them?) sending encouraging words and jokes. But generally I still question everything. Maybe it is in my nature or maybe it’s like a stage I have to go through.

I told you. I’m not that strong. I cried in the drs office today that I’m scared of the stem cell treatment and the scorch the earth six days of chemo. To his credit he laughed at me calling it ”scorch the earth” and said yeah you’re going to have 2 weeks that really suck but you’re not going to die from it. And you’re going to be in a hospital where they give you drugs. hmm. We’ll see.

I guess I can make my peace with losing two weeks of my life to have another 20 years. Is that the deal I’m making? If only anything was assured. All I know is nothing is certain...I can go through all this and POW something wacky can end it all. And doesn’t it just seem odd that recently a whole bunch of 59/60 year olds are dieing this month. Tawny Kitaen? Maybe I’m just fixated on it??

So I have no more immediate treatments coming up....waiting for my ptscan... been cleared to eat sushi and oysters!! (Yes)... and am down another 4 lbs. (maybe this is all a hoax to get me to lose weight)....